Monday, October 20, 2008
I was leisurely heading up Park Avenue - slash - risking my life in the back of an uninsured pedicab this past Friday night, when it suddenly dawned on me--I'm happy. And it wasn't just the giddy side-effects of the two glasses of champagne I enjoyed at The Oyster Bar with my cousin, Bev, or the fact that our final destination was a bachelorette party at Tao, that had me euphoric. Instead, I had this overwhelming realization at 7:45 pm, right smack dab in the center of Manhattan, with taxi's, and limo's, and crazy New York drivers speeding by just inches away from our feeble cycle rickshaw, that after months of emotional and physical wear and tear, after slogging through each day exhausted beyond words, I was--am--finally and happily, feeling comfortable in my own skin again. All I could do at that moment was close my eyes, smile inwardly, and send up a silent prayer of thanks to the heavens, and to my grandmother, who I know is looking out for me from above, each and every second of the day.
My laughter is back, as is my sense of humor. When I catch sight of myself in the mirror, I no longer look like I am auditioning as an extra for a George A. Romero film. And, while most women would choose to commit Hari Kari over their scale revealing a five pound increase, after losing twenty-two pounds this past year, I am relieved that I can now pinch an inch; I am healthy once again.
This tiny cottage by the river has done me good, as have the people I've chosen to include in my circle. We all have the ability to make our own life choices in this world, and sometimes we have to make difficult ones in order to get to a better place for ourselves. But in the end, I firmly believe that through suffering and pain, comes strength and power.
This past Friday night, on a $20 white-knuckled pedicab ride through the streets of Gotham, I suddenly woke up out of my Snow White stupor, and remembered what it felt like to be me. But not just ordinary, old me, but rather a stronger, more powerful version of my old self; a new, and improved Suzanne Brown. And, in that Hollywood-scripted moment, I welcomed this fiercer Suzanne into my life, with a big hug, an open heart, and the promise of a bright future.
I am back.